February is ALWAYS hard, but this one SUX

***WARNING - this is a vent. It is long***

For those that don't know the "personal" side of me....
I was married to the love of my life (hubby #2)for way too short of a time. We met through the trucking industry - yes, I used to be a truck driver.
The first time we ever met, HE was driving a pick up truck, delivering a small package.I was driving a flatbed, delivering electrical conduit. He cut me off and STOLE my dock space! My first ever words to him were not very pleasant at all! LOL
Fast forward one year, and we were both employed by the same company, but I was still driving, and he was now a salesman and the dispatcher.
We started out "dating" after hours, and before either of us knew what hit us, we were into this heavy, passionate forever relationship.
We were married in 1991.
In 1994, he got a sinus infection that just would NOT clear up. He was allergic to penicillin, so could not take it, and none of the other antibiotics were working.
The infection kept getting worse, and was in his upper sinus cavity.
In November, his sinus wall ruptured, and all that puss and infection hit his brain.
10 days in a coma, and MAJOR brain surgery.
When he woke up, all of the area radio stations repeatedly played the song "Alive" by Pearl Jam; thanks to multiple requests by friends.
When he was out of the coma, he could not talk, and his right side was partially paralyzed.
We spent the next two years going to various therapies and exercises.
It was slow going....so agonizingly slow.
He would get so frustrated. Angry at life.
But he did it! By November of 1996, he was back to his old self, with just the slightest speech impairment.If you just met him at that time, you wouldn't even notice...it was only obvious to us who knew him BEFORE.
1997 started with such high hopes and dreams! We had a special trip planned for Valentine's day. Had a Honeymoon suite booked at the new casino/hotel in Niagara Falls.
On February 3,1997 I was at work - still driving. I was in the process of loading my truck, when my pager went off with the phone number of a local police station.
I called back, and my life as I knew it ended.
My husband, my Dennis, had just died.
He had a massive heart attack, with an aortic aneurysm.
February is ALWAYS hard.

In 2001, I met Matt.
We dated and spent lots of time together. The first "real" relationship since Dennis.
He drank more then I liked, but it was just beer, and he held a good job, so I figured it didn't matter that much. We got along great, and shared many interest.
I really liked him.
Then 9-11 happened.
Terror on the home front.
Matt told me he loved me , and if the world was going to be at war, with who knows what outcome, then he wanted me to be his wife.
I agreed, and we eloped on Sept. 13th.
The first couple of years went fine. He started drinking more, and more, but still, just beer. He did end up loosing his job, but I was employed with a good income, so everything was still OK.
Until March 23, 2005.
I was diagnosed with colo-rectal cancer.
While I spent the next 6 months going through DAILY radiation and chemo therapy, HE stayed home and got drunk. But now it wasn't beer, it was vodka.
The last 3 years have been on and off the wagon, with the drinking binges getting longer and ever more nasty.
This year, he started drinking just before Christmas, and has been on a HUGE binge the entire month of January, and into February.
When he is sober, he is one of the most talented and NICEST persons I know, but when he is drunk, he is mean, petty, OBNOXIOUS! Borders on violent. I hate him.
I would divorce him if I could handle it financially, but at this point in my life, I can't.
Ever spend Valentine's Day with someone you hate ???
So, February is ALWAYS hard, but this one SUX.